Movie Night

Well, now that the cat is out of the bag, and most of you know that Meghan has come down with what we'll call in this space the "affliction", she's been taking in some early bedtimes. Though this generally means that I pass out on the couch watching sportscenter or the celtics, or something to that effect, tonight I decided to take advantage of our new Fios service and watch an on-demand movie (on skinemax). Tonight, I decided on what is sure to be an instant classic, AVP: Requiem. If you aren't familiar with AVP, it stands for Alien Versus Predator, which next to the ligor is pretty much the coolest (couple of extraterrestrial) animal(s).
At the 13:36 minute mark, I realized it wasn't only deserving of being watched, but also being live-blogged about. Here's where we're at:
In 13 minutes, we've found out that we're picking up right after the smash hit AVP, and as the predator ship is leaving Earth, an Alien explodes out of the abdomen of a fallen predator, causes general havoc, and sends the predator ship falling to Earth. And this is the intelligible part of the story line. So far the human parts, some small town yokels in Treeville, USA, have been dittering about, without much direction. There was a supposed coed bouncing around in a miniskirt, which was a highlight, but otherwise we've already had at least 3 unintelligible story lines introduced, which of course is completely unnecessary as they're all going to die. If you aren't seeing the parallels to porn, I don't know what to tell you.
Anyway, now you're caught up. Let's delve in... this should be fantastic!
13:41 Did I mention hat the movie is 94 minutes long? That's still almost 15 minutes longer than that 4 Christmases movie that Meghan and I are bound to go see. Where does Hollywood get off making short movies and charging full price? Unbelievable.
15:06 Did I also mention that a little kid was one of the ones that got the alien-on-the-face job? Sad to see him go. Though he was a whiny little brat. Oh, and we're on new story line number 4. Something about an army mom. Blah.
Sound is no longer emanating from the bedroom... Meghan is asleep. Shocking.
16:55 Storylines 2 and 3 just merged. Somewhat. I'm actually certain some of these guys are in porn, they're acting ability is just about as high. The aliens and the token homeless dude have more acting ability than the "tough guys". Oh, bold prediction. Homeless guy and his dog are the next to get aliens on the face.
19:08 Oh yeah, I was right. 1 for 1. And as a bonus, homeless guys drunk homeless girlfriend got her drunk homeless ass handed to her by a fully grown alien. Here comes Mr. Predator (he prefers the honorific before his name) to save the day. If by saving the day, you mean killing aliens and humans for fun.
Oh, I probably should have mentioned that Mr. Predator flew from his home planet when he got a signal that the last spaceship went down. At least he has something to watch. Fios has channel numbers that go over 1000, and yet there still isn't anything on.
23:26 The bar owner from True Blood has a bit part in story line #4 (have I mentioned that that's 6 storylines too many for a movie of this nature??) He's not quite as creepy here. Then again, he's still kinda creepy. Its all a matter of degrees.
While I ponder why the guys from story lines 2/3 wander through a sewer, I'll move on to the B's stunning 7-2 win over the Islanders this afternoon. Actually, as none of you care, I won't. But you'll all be sorry when I was on the bandwagon first and there's no room in the front come springtime.
28:52 Storylines 1 & 2 just sorta merged. If I had rented a porn and there were this much plot, I would have asked for my money back by now. Lets get to the bloodshed!
Cool moment of the movie so far: Mr. Predator has a special elixir that makes things disappear. Like dead bodies. Like the one he just created. Kind of handy. Bet OJ wish he had had that.
Have I mentioned that i haven't really stopped typing, other than to look up at the screen from time to time? The timestamps happen to be when cool stuff happens and all... but I get the feeling this is turning into a 94 good minutes post...
33:02 Riddle me this: why does Mr. Predator, who came to save the day, destroy the evidence of the prior spaceship crash, the dead humans, and the alien-on-the-face things, and yet when he kills someone, he skins them and hangs them from a tree a la the first Predator movie? Seems a little... I dunno. Overkill. if that's the right word.
Oh and our token blond? acts as well as a porn starlet. Kind of like how I used to say that basketball would be better on ice, with a puck and sticks, this movie would be better with some nudity and hardcore action. Or the massive slayings could just start up, instead of the stupid plot developments. Either way.
39:31 Meh. The first uber cool fight AVP stylee was in a dark sewer. Lame. I could barely see it. Kind of cool however, the dead predator that had the alien explode out of it created a freaky cool alien/predator combo. Kind of like the weird Alien/Human combo in Alien:Resurrection... now that was an effed up movie. But this new hybrid isn't as creepy, just badass.
And that last paragraph is where I realized that between the Alien movies, and the predator movies, this is the 7th I've seen. I can guarantee you that no more than 3 should have been made, and no more than 4 have been profitable for the studios.
43:51 Hotness and loserboy are about to go for a swim. This can only end badly. but at least we're getting closer to the porn side of things. Oh wait. Mr. Fmr BF just showed up, much to hotness and loserboys chagrin.
49:49 Were now location-aware... the action is some place in Colorado. Sweet. No place better for a killin' then Colorado.
52:17 What a mess. Bold prediction #2, because of the poor job being done by Mr. Predator, he's going to end up nuking poor litte town south (or north, or whatever) of Colorado Springs. At this point, all of the plot lines have merged, and about half of the cast is still alive.
Best line of the movie so far - "People are dying. We need guns". Huh, well, when you put it that way, I suppose you're right.
Random plot twist: Hotness, not Mr. Police, knew where the towns stash of guns was. Strange, as she's supposed to be in high school. What exactly is she planning?
55:20 The national guard just showed up. Huh. You would think that this movie was made pre-Katrina with that sort of fantasy response time. Oh, and its raining there too. Kinda funny.
New best line, courtesy of hotness: "we're not gonna make it, are we?" No sweety, you aren't. Now just die quietly.
59:10 And we just crossed a new line - the hybrid A/P just found the maternity ward... and a pregnant woman. And just did something weird. Like, injected something down her throat weird. I feel ill. This is going nowhere good.
Is this a bad time to mention there may be spoilers involved? After an hour of this movie, I'm pretty sure I can safely say you don't want to see this movie. Whoever you are.
1:03:56 I can safely say that after what just happened in the maternity ward, that this movie never, EVER should have been made. And I never should have started watching it.
The director has to be given some credit for taking an utterly disturbing movie, and setting it at night, in the rain, without power. It takes some of the edge off. And believe me, there's plenty of edge. If AVP was a 1 on the 1-10 good movie scale, and a 2 on the wierd crap o meter scale, then AVP 2 is definitely a -4 and a +100 respectively.
1:08:00 New best line of the movie. "THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T LIE TO US!" I don't even need to come up with something funny to make that seem hysterical. Oh, and btw it appears to be the government that's going to do the bombing of the small little town. Right now, the ensemble of F list actors is deciding if road A or road B is the correct path, knowing that the wrong choice leads to certain death. Did I mention that I figured out that both choices lead to certain death?
1:12:32 Our heroes, searching for the helicopter at the hospital, ended up in the maternity ward. I would have started with the roof, personally. One distinction between predators and aliens, if you haven't seen the movies before - the predators apparently are familiar with door handles. Aliens seem to use brute force for, well, everything.
1:15:33 Well, I'm checking out mentally. Hotness just bit the dust. Loserboy is peeved, to say the least. Oops, now he's dead too. Er, almost dead.
I was just wondering who was going to fly the helicopter (they finally found the roof, after much sidetracking), but then I remember that Iraqwarwoman was around to save the day. Cause you know, she knows how to fly a chopper.
1:21:06 We're back to the predator versus hybrid battle. Kind of cool. Invariably one of the aliens will make it on to the helicopter, by the way.
1:24:33 Shocking. The government lied. Instead of sending in an evac unit, it bombed the city. Only our fair friends on the chopper made it out alive. But the government spared them once they were found. Interesting.
1:28:14 Ok, I'll say it. Worst. Movie. Ever. I don't even know how it got made. I want my hour and a half back. I'm sure you want your time back Wow. That was just bad.
Some interesting closing facts: the movie scores a 14 on Rotten Tomatoes. It made 41 million... FORTY ONE MILLION! in the box office, when it came out less than a year ago. And here I was thinking it came out ages ago! I'll have to check out wikipedia to see if there was anything I missed while typing... but I'll tell you what, it can't be much.
Hope you enjoyed the movie as much as I did.