Welcome to the first installment of my new Sublog, "800 Square Feet in Hell". Please be on the look out for future installments in the series, as well as my other upcoming Sublogs, "The Most Hated Man on the Train", "Derek Jeter Can Suck My Big Toe (And Not in the Erotic Sense, if Thats What You Were Thinking)", "I'll Catch Balls from Tom Brady Next Season (In the Erotic Sense, Not in the "I Want To Be A Wide Receiver for the New England Patriots" Way), or How I Learned to Stop Taking Cold Showers and Love My Man Crush on Tom", "Canadian Music Sucks (And So Do Their Flappy-Headed TV Shows)", and "Food I Ate Recently".At any rate 800 SqFtoH will be dedicated to one thing and one thing only: the unholy war between my sloth and the things that are constantly breaking around the condo. I had originally thought of naming it "... of Hell", but I got the feeling that people would take this as figurative - this is meant to be literal as I'm pretty sure the threshold to our place a portal into real actual hell... but we'll get to the door later.
Tonight our topic is the George Bush of Toilets... namely, our toilet. Though this may seem at first to be a cheesy rip on Dubya, the analogy really works quite well: both take a lot of crap, but really, don't they deserve it? Not only that but we bought a kit to replace the lever, you know, the whole flushy mechanism... essentially a toi-lobotomy. Tell me you don't see the similarities to W.
But the flushy thing-a-ma-bobber is what is truly possessed by Satan. From above, the toilet seems quite innocuous:
How does the Jimmy Buffett song go? Plunger to the left, reading material to the right? Well... at least from the perspective of the... uhm... sitter...
If you dig a little deeper though, you'll see that this thing is quite evil indeed. 
Firstly, as you may have noticed, it requires a sign reminding the vagrants that pass through that the handle must be pulled up after being pushed down. Now, I can understand the need to push down... it makes sense that even in the year 2007 (and maybe well into 2008) our world isn't so automated that we can just get up and walk away (not to mention the manual wiping...). But to have to then pull back up on the lever? Shouldn't it know to do this on its own? When was the last time, other then here in the lair, you found yourself wiggling and jiggling a toilet lever? Of course, this this brings us to the larger issue at hand - the fact that the toilet, if left un-upped and jiggled, will run without end. Even if you jiggle, there's a chance that it may still run. You may go into the kitchen, leave for a short while (or a long while) and come back to a merrily running stream of flushy-ness. Stop. Just stop toilet. I don't think you are funny. Stop taunting me.
Firstly, as you may have noticed, it requires a sign reminding the vagrants that pass through that the handle must be pulled up after being pushed down. Now, I can understand the need to push down... it makes sense that even in the year 2007 (and maybe well into 2008) our world isn't so automated that we can just get up and walk away (not to mention the manual wiping...). But to have to then pull back up on the lever? Shouldn't it know to do this on its own? When was the last time, other then here in the lair, you found yourself wiggling and jiggling a toilet lever? Of course, this this brings us to the larger issue at hand - the fact that the toilet, if left un-upped and jiggled, will run without end. Even if you jiggle, there's a chance that it may still run. You may go into the kitchen, leave for a short while (or a long while) and come back to a merrily running stream of flushy-ness. Stop. Just stop toilet. I don't think you are funny. Stop taunting me.
The are smaller, though no less sinister deeds of the toilet however. We won't even get into the interior... the last time I opened it up I'm pretty sure it tried to take off my hand to ensure I wouldn't replace the innards... you know, the whole, well, you know. But even with out trapping things inside, the toilet still has its captives - this fallen soldier may never be rescued from behind enemy lines.
The Scale had thought about going in to save the brave sani-wipes, but the Readers Digests and Real Simples held it back, knowing that it would be an attempt that would prove to be fatal to both the scale as well as the not-so-much-sani-anymore sani-wipes. Though it may look harmless, if you haven't learned thought these stories that this toilet is dangerous and downright beelzebubly, take a look at this menacing photo that was snapped by an unknown explorer whom was never heard from again:
Now, Meghan seems to be under the impression that the constant running is:a) a problem that can be "fixed"
b) I am the man for the job
c) I should complete this task relatively soon.
But after hearing these tales, would you want to go near this thing? I'm lucky I haven't been sucked in yet... I think for everyones safety it would be best if we avoided the toilet all together.
Below are a few more interesting parting shots. Again, be on the lookout for our next installment - Leaky Sink, Bane of My Existence.
A view towards freedom... 
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I have to say, you have the most visually impressive blog of all of us in terms of working in pictures amongst your writing.
ReplyDeleteNot only that... but how many ways can you take a picture of a toilet? That was the hardest part of all...
ReplyDeletethank you for making us look like slobs. Fantastic. I keep that bathroom as clean as I possibly can, thank you VERY much.
ReplyDelete